Do you have a Eulogy to Write?

Do you have a Eulogy to Write?

Having a eulogy to write is a gift and a privilege and while the task may appear difficult, it doesn't need to be. If you follow the step by step guidelines below you can and will give a memorable and fitting tribute.

When we're caught in the maelstrom of feelings triggered by the death of a loved person finding the clarity to make decisions about what to write can be overwhelming. There is so much we want to say. Trying to compress a whole life into a few minutes seems impossible, almost an insult.

But there is a way through.

Your eulogy is a gift to the living and its words will help everyone, (yourself included), through the grief of loss.

How?

A eulogy is like a mirror or reflection. We listen to the stories to hear and see in our imagination what the life of our loved one was all about. We want to understand, to have it make sense to us. A eulogy may not provide answers to difficult questions but it allows us to focus more clearly. A memorable eulogy prepared with loving care celebrates the whole person: their strengths, their joys, challenges and achievements. At a time when many are emotionally fragile your courage to stand in front of friends and family will be deeply appreciated.

Take a deep breath and follow the steps.

Why write a eulogy?
Why can't I simply talk letting inspiration carry me through?

The answer is that for many people giving any type of speech without conscious preparation is a challenge. We tend to drift off topic or lose the thread connecting our ideas.

Preparation gives your eulogy form - a definite pattern. It helps you contain and convey your emotions without being overwhelmed by them. Without the safety of form your eulogy may become a ramble with no obvious purpose or direction. That is distressing for everybody: the speaker and the hearers.

Taking the time to fully prepare your speech is the safest way to express all you want to, the way you want to.

Eulogy Writing Tips

Before you begin to write gather your information:

Who are you writing for?

Are you writing on behalf of the immediate family?

Have been asked to be the principal spokesperson or will others be talking too?

Or are you writing about your own relationship?

Are you writing as work colleague, a friend...?

The answers to the questions put you in context which is important to those listening. If they don't know, they'll want to know how you fitted into the life of the person you are celebrating.

How long is your eulogy expected to be?

If you don't know ask for guidance from the person conducting or organising the service.

What to include:

A very brief introduction of yourself and where you fitted in the person's life

Personal stories: anecdotes, songs, poetry...Anything at all that speaks true.

Would you like some help selecting a special poem or quotation to use?

I've put together a collection of poems here and a larger selection of widely diverse quotations here.

If you're pressured by time and want an instantly available comprehensive collection of sympathy poems and quotations, Lucie Storr's downloadable PDF could be the answer. Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep: over 250 sympathy poems, quotations and readings for funerals, memorial services and inner peace This, unlike my pages above, is NOT free. However you are getting a beautifully compiled collection indexed by theme,(loss of child, loss of parent...), author and opening line. In 5 minutes it could be on your screen.

Alternatively if none of those suggestions help feel free to ask for others. Use the contact form on my 'About Me' page. I'll be happy to assist.

Perhaps there are memorable phrases the person used to say or perhaps they had a certain look that was uniquely their own. May be it was a song. What ever the passions or interests of the person were, celebrate them. Remember small things can mean so much.

For example, my mother had a signature saying. It inspired her throughout many years of a sometimes very difficult life.
It was: 'Let there be peace and let it begin with me.'
We used it in our eulogy as we also used Vivaldi's 'Four Seasons' music. Both represented her eloquently.

Be honest without dwelling on or re-living negativities. The eulogy is not an occasion to 'get even' or expose family secrets. If the person was bowed down with challenges, talk about them compassionately, if you must. Remember a eulogy is an opportunity to honor. Even the most difficult personality or life has good in it.

If you're speaking on behalf of others ask friends, family or work colleagues for their recollections and stories to add to your own. There is no need for you to carry the responsibility of putting together the eulogy alone. Let others share in the privilege of shaping the speech to honor your loved one's life.

Writing the Eulogy

Decide on the tone you want to use. Do you want it to be solemn? Do you want it to be lighter, perhaps even humorous? Or do you want a balance of both?

To help decide, ask yourself what would your loved one have wanted? Be guided by your answer. There are no 'right' or 'wrong' ways. This a decision for yourself, the family and friends. Remember a life lived contains joy as well as sorrow. Laughing through tears can be a real reflection of that.

Go through your collection of material and select which of it gives an accurate portrayal. You won't be able to include everything but what you do choose, you want to resonate with the 'truth' of the person. The incident may be small but its implications may give a larger picture. Put your choices of material in the order you want them come when you write the eulogy.

It might look like this:
Introduction:

Statement of who I am and relationship to loved one

Body:

Story one or poem or song or reading
Story two or poem or song or reading
Story three or poem or song or reading

Conclusion:

Restatement of main message or theme from body of eulogy

Resist the urge to list in chronological order achievements or milestones. These can be dry, dull facts. Instead tell the stories. They may have been heard many times but in their telling the essence or life force of your loved one lives on. This is the real person who people want to hear about and remember. Lists don't give that.

How to Start Writing:

Begin with the body of the eulogy. This is where you will be sharing the stories making this person unique, special and loved.
If you can't get straight into writing, putting your stories on tape or telling them to another person may help kick start the process.
Remember to go straight to the core of each story. Long preambles are generally not needed. Include enough for it to make sense and no more.

For example:

(This is a true story. I didn't use it for my Mother's eulogy but telling it here is a little like giving her another small one years later.)

'I'm going to tell you the story of the yellow blouse.
I was 18 and leaving home. We had very little money and certainly none for luxuries and that's what new clothes were. Ours came in boxes, hand-me-downs from cousins. What money Mum got each week was carefully placed in a series of jars in a cupboard in the kitchen. Each jar had a label. This was for 'Food', that for 'Electricity' etc. The jars were often empty but miraculously, our tummies never were.

The day came for going. I had made 'new clothes' from old ones. They were folded, ready for packing. As I closed the lid on my suitcase, my mother gave me a parcel. 'Open it.' she said. Inside was a new store-bought yellow blouse, beautifully sewn and made of fine cloth. 'A girl must have at least one quality garment.' she said. It was extraordinary. I knew the path to that blouse had been 5 cents by 5 cents by 5 cents over months. I also knew this was love.'

Link your stories/poems/songs/readings/quotes together so one leads into another.

Write the conclusion:

What enduring message do you want your listeners to carry away with them? It may be a simple thank-you for the life you've shared with your loved one or it could be a special quote expressing an idea or feeling you know is appropriate. As this is the last opportunity to pay tribute think carefully. You'll want to get it as 'right' as you can.

Write the opening:

Now you have the rest of your eulogy it will be easier to write the opening.
Unless you're being introduced by someone else be sure to include who you are at the very beginning.
Once that is done think about the major events, relationships and general characteristics making up this life special.

For example:

'Sophie was my Mother but she was also Mother to four more: Fred, Isobel, Warren and Gwen. Many of you know her as Aunt, cousin, friend and colleague but whatever the realtionship to her, we all know her as a woman who in her life played many roles.

She was the bright and beautiful young women who married my father after a war-time whirl wind romance. She was the determined young bride who taught herself to cook and sew.'

(And so on...)

'We all have memories of Sophie. I want to share some of my most precious with you now...'

This leads into the body of the speech comprised of the specific stories you plan to tell.

Go through your first draft reading it aloud.

It helps if you have someone listen to give you feedback.
You need to make sure what you've written makes sense.

Does it flow from one idea to the next?

Are the opening and closing remarks fitting?

Have you varied your language and sentence length to keep it interesting to listen to?
If you hear yourself repeating the same phrases over and over again, either cut them out or find other language to express the idea.

Listen to hear if you are rambling without real point or direction or you've repeated the same or a similar story without realising it.

Time yourself and make sure your speech fits the time allowance.
(If you've not been given a time allowance, approximately 3-4 minutes is about average. Although this may seem very brief, it does have advantages. Firstly, it gives other people who may be speaking time to do so. Secondly, it focusses your speech and helps you to decide what is important to say.)

Make any adjustments and write your second draft.

Go through the same process again. Get someone to listen and give you feedback. Check for timing. When you're satisfied you have it right prepare your final copy.

Would you like to see a Sample Eulogy?

These may help you decide what you want to do. There are two here written by me.
We also have a growing collection of free sample eulogies contributed by site visitors.

Suggestions to make the eulogy you give easier to deliver:

If you've written it in a word document on your computer,
BEFORE YOU PRINT IT OUT:

Make sure the font is large enough to be easily read

Double space each line for easy reading

Number your pages clearly

The same applies if you've handwritten the eulogy

If you're using a poem or reading have the text written out and included in the body of your notes.
This is less stressful than trying to read from a book or books. It's simpler to deal with one item ( your notes) rather than try to manage several under pressure. If you must use the original text make sure you bookmark your place clearly so you do not have the added hassle of trying to refind the right page while everybody waits.

If it's available use a lectern or stand for your notes rather than hold them.
You can either stand to one side or behind it. When you hand hold notes the temptation to rattle or mask your face with them might be too much to withstand.

Practice breathing deeply before you stand to talk to calm yourself
(You'll find more information on how to breathe to release tension here)

Have a glass of water available

Do not worry if you 'wobble' or falter.
Tears and being unable to speak for a moment or two are natural. Do not fight them. Have a tissue handy. Blow your nose, wipe your eyes, have a sip of water and carry on. People will not judge you. Tears are not a loss of dignity. Your listener's will admire your courage.

If you do have to stop, do not apologise. Nobody is expecting a flawless performance.
The British have a saying: 'stiff upper lip.' It means concealing or keeping feelings under control. In the midst of great emotional or physical pain a 'stiff upper lip' hides the inner turmoil. This is not being asked of you and is expected less and less of the British too! Being able to acknowledge and show feeling openly is healthy and honest. The ideal is to ride the wave and continue.

Take a support person to stand beside you.
This is a wonderful way of sharing the eulogy and their presence will give you the strength to carry on.

If you have time, practice in the venue.
(There are fuller guidelines for how to rehearse a speech here.)

When you have finished do some more deep breathing to centre yourself. To give a eulogy is to give of yourself at a time when you are most vulnerable. It is good to give but it is equally good to take care of yourself.

That's it.

Remember having a eulogy to write is both a gift and a privilege.
It's a gift because you are giving your energy, time and love to honor the life of your loved one. But primarily it is a gift to your listeners and yourself as it will aid the healing process.
Having a eulogy to write is also an immense privilege. It signifies your value or importance in the life of the loved one and in the lives of their family and friends. Additionally, being asked to speak shows trust and respect. You are being trusted to encapsulate a life fittingly and deliver the unique essence of the loved one publically.

I hope these notes are of service to you. If you have questions, ask them through my contact form here. I would be happy and honored to assist.

Go well.

'Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.'

* The quote above is widely attributed to Goethe. Despite disagreement over its origin, the sentiment expressed is fitting for your task. Have courage, and begin.

Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Receive support and comfort from the bereavement forum, free grief library and inspirational movie at The Light Beyond

PS.
If these pages helped you to write - the sample eulogies in particular, please consider sharing what you wrote.

People are always searching for examples to help them begin their own writing process. If you could share, it would be deeply appreciated.

Your eulogy would feature in a special section - free sample eulogies
It would have its own page and appear just how you want it to.

Do think about it. If you have any questions, please ask them.

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Poems of Hope, Loss, Love & Comfort for your use

More poems of Hope, Loss, Love & Comfort for your use

Calm, Comfort & Heal: Inspirational Quotations

Sample Eulogy written by me

Sample Eulogies written by visitors to the site

Breathe easy. Calm yourself with breathing exercises.

Rehearsal Tips

Ask your questions via my contact form.

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