2. Tips for birthday speeches
  3. Witty birthday quotations

Witty birthday quotations

Here's a large, eclectic collection of witty birthday quotations to giggle and smirk your way through, while choosing one for that lucky person whose birthday you are preparing to celebrate.

1950s retro woman saying: It is scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.

Some are well known: others are not, but deserve to be!

I've put the author's name, where known, following their quote. If you decide to use it, please acknowledge them.

Retro woman graphic saying:

It is better to wear out than to rust out.

Bishop Richard Cumberland

To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.

Bernard Baruch

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened.

Cora Harvey Armstrong

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Jack Benny

The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything.

Oscar Wilde

If I'd known I was going to live this long (100 years), I'd have taken better care of myself.

Ubie Blake

Retro woman graphic saying:

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

Tom Stoppard

It takes a long time to grow young.
Pablo Picasso

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval. 

George Santayana

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
Robert Frost

Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you have not committed.

Anthony Powell

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. 

George Bernard Shaw

Retro woman graphic saying:

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. 


Youth comes but once in a lifetime.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Youth had been a habit of hers for so long that she could not part with it. 

Rudyard Kipling

We are so fond of one another, because our ailments are the same. 

Jonathon Swift

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning. 

Bob Hope

They tell you that you'll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much. 

Malcolm Cowley

Retro woman graphic saying:

Old age is not for sissies.

Malcolm Forbes

Money is appropriate, and one size fits all. 

William Randolph Hearst on suggestions for gifts

Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.

Anna Magnani

One compensation of old age is that it excuses you from picnics. 

William Feather

For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday. 

John Glenn

Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.

C.E.M. Joad

Retro woman graphic saying:

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Chili Davis

Let us respect gray hairs, especially our own.

J. P. Sears

They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.


Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier.

Dan Bennett

You've heard of the three ages of man - youth, age, and "you are looking wonderful."

Francis Cardinal Spellman

I love everything that's old: old friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wines.

Oliver Goldsmith

Retro woman graphic saying:

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

Truman Capote

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Phyllis Diller

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. 

H. V. Prochnow

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. 

Lucille Ball

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. 

Henry L. Mencken

You will recognize, my boy, the first sign of old age: it is when you go out into the streets of London and realize for the first time how young the policemen look. 

Sir Seymour Hicks

Retro woman graphic saying:

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. 

Maurice Chevalier

You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.

John P. Grier

If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes. 


When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

Mark Twain

A woman revealing her true age is like a buyer confiding his final price.

Mignon McLaughlin

The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.

Doris Day

I hope you've arrived at the bottom of this selection witty birthday quotations with a smile on your face, and something you want to include in a speech or use in a card.

Retro reminder graphic - string tied around the index finger of a woman's hand.

But wait there's more ...

Just in case you haven't found what you want, you'll find more birthday quotations on these pages:

If you're preparing a speech ...

You might also like to check out these examples of 40th and 50th birthday speeches as well as these how to write a birthday speech tips.

And lastly, if you have a special birthday speech tip, quotation or speecthat has made someone's day, you're welcome to share it and make many, many more people smile!