Here's a large, eclectic collection of witty birthday quotations to giggle and smirk your way through, while choosing one for that lucky person whose birthday you are preparing to celebrate.
Some are well known: others are not, but deserve to be!
I've put the author's name, where known, following their quote. If you decide to use it, please acknowledge them.
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
Bishop Richard Cumberland
To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened.
Cora Harvey Armstrong
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything.
If I'd known I was going to live this long (100 years), I'd have taken better care of myself.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
It takes a long time to grow young.
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you have not committed.
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
George Bernard Shaw
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Youth comes but once in a lifetime.
Youth had been a habit of hers for so long that she could not part with it.
We are so fond of one another, because our ailments are the same.
Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.
They tell you that you'll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much.
Old age is not for sissies.
Money is appropriate, and one size fits all.
Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.
One compensation of old age is that it excuses you from picnics.
For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Let us respect gray hairs, especially our own.
They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.
Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier.
You've heard of the three ages of man - youth, age, and "you are looking wonderful."
Francis Cardinal Spellman
I love everything that's old: old friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wines.
Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
H. V. Prochnow
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
Henry L. Mencken
You will recognize, my boy, the first sign of old age: it is when you go out into the streets of London and realize for the first time how young the policemen look.
Sir Seymour Hicks
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.
If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
A woman revealing her true age is like a buyer confiding his final price.
The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.
I hope you've arrived at the bottom of this selection witty birthday quotations with a smile on your face, and something you want to include in a speech or use in a card.
Just in case you haven't found what you want, you'll find more birthday quotations on these pages:
And lastly, if you have a special birthday speech tip, quotation or speech that has made someone's day, you're welcome to share it and make many, many more people smile!